The Chalice Is Shattered

This past weekend sucked. My chalice has shattered, and now I alone am forced to pick up the pieces and try to fit it back together again.





Xel and I are no more, and the pain of it has me in tears or wanting to cry constantly. even as i sit here hunched over my desk, furtively wiping away tears that leak from my eyes. I try to wear my mask, but most people see past it. Maybe its my weak tone, or the sadness in my eyes, or the defeat in my face, but they see it. Some ask me about it, other leave me alone. I have been offered support from quite a few people here at the office, even gotten hugs as well as scritches from some of them.

Last night my howls and screams of grief brought my mother and my sister into my room, my mother caressing my back and my sister petting my head, not saying a word, offering me the silent comfort that i need. I had held it in as best I could all afternoon/evening, but i began to break as I said goodbye to him, the tears streaming down my face as I kissed him desperately, wanting to prolong the inevitable. I didn't want him to let go, didn't want to lose the feeling of his arms around me, his mouth, his body, the hollow of his shoulder where my head fit perfectly. And yet as he drove away, my heart broke even more.

I retreated to the bathroom, because I needed to shower and hide from the questions my mother was asking me. It was there when i started to break, my shoulders heaving with suppressed sobs as the tears rolling down my cheeks mingled with the water on my face. After my shower i was able to hold it together for a little bit, logging onto AIM so that Xel and i could talk after her got him, since we still want to talk to each other. When he did get on, we chatted and talked a bit, then after he said something the floodgates opened up, as well as my lungs. I let loose, my cries resounding in my room, wails and screams reverberating off my walls and filtering through my closed door, no doubt.




After I had calmed and snuggled my wolf plushie under my flannel blanket, my mother and sister told me good night and I fell asleep, waking up at about 1 am, before going back to sleep and tossing and turning through turbulent dreams that i upon waking i couldn't remember. I ache inside, feel so hollow, and yet i cant stop crying, cant stop thinking about him, his face, his touch, his kiss...

I have to suppress everything while i'm at work, but all i want to do is go home and curl up under my covers with my wolf and cry until i fall asleep. I hurt so badly, I just want to scream and wail and dry until my voice is gone and there is nothing left. but even though there is nothing left, the memory of him will still be with me.

Xel, My love my light, my everything....



And I will NEVER forget what we had together, and I will be here when you need me.