Daddy

Is Daddy really back?

Or is this another slow climb of the roller coaster car before teetering at the apex, and then hurtling down an immeasurable slope, twists and turns disorienting us all until we don’t know up from down, left from right, forwards from backwards. It kills me, to hear my mother in tears, to know how her heart is shattering in a million pieces, with no way of retrieving all of the pieces. I want to go to her, to hold her as we cry, to listen as she speaks. I hate having to be so strong, to not have anyone to go to to dissolve into my own body wrenching sobs and get the comfort that I so desperately need.

But I have to stay strong, to be the strength that my mother needs, to be there for my sister. To be able to squish the crying 16 year old back into her box so that I can go on with my day, so that I can push through work without becoming a screaming mess of pain, anguish and rage. Control is key, control is what is keeping me from going back there and looking to see if it’s Daddy that is sitting at his desk, or if it’s the bastard Robert that has been making our lives for the past 6-8 months a living hell.

I want my daddy back, more than anything in this world, but I can’t go through the heartache of having daddy back for a month or more, and then all of a sudden have things be back to hell. I can’t do it, not anymore. I won’t let him hurt mommy anymore than she’s already hurting. I don’t want him back into my life until it really is HIM back, that Daddy’s really back and it’ll be for good. I can’t get my hopes up, just to have them crushed under the hateful heel of his disease
And yet I can feel that hope rising, that maybe, just maybe Daddy will be back to stay, that things will be alright… and I hate myself for hoping, for wishing that things could become like how they used to be. Wishing that those pain filled years will become a distant mist of memory, but reality says that we’re still on this rollercoaster, and it’s starting to pick up speed again.

I just want this to be over with, I want my life back.

But most of all, I want Daddy back.

I know its not really a kink post, but it's something that i have to get off my chest.