Maybe its because i'm sick, or maybe its because i forgot my meds this morning (yes i DID take them when i realized why i was feeling increasingly shittier than normal), but right now i'm jealous of the time my Lady and Master spend together. In times like these i DON'T want to be responsible adult and have to work fucking 7 days a week and only be able to see Them once, MAYBE twice a week if that sometimes. Granted i want to spend time with Master alone as well, cuz dammit there are some days that i don't want to share Him with anyone, even my Lady.
I WANT my weekends free so that i can go be with Him/Them and not have to throw my sleep schedule off by being with them in the middle of the week and have to get up the next morning to go to work. I want to be able to go and visit Him and be able to spend the night with him and wake up next to him and be content that my Master is there for me through everything.
Seeing Him has become my weekly ritual, get out of work Weds or Thurs and drive straight from work to his place, and get home between 12 and 1 am feeling fulfilled, sated, and back to a little bit of my normal. The one week that i normally don't go to His place is when i'm on my period, and that's the only time that my anxiety doesn't throw me off kilter because well.. i'm bleeding, cant really do much (even if i'm going far in the anal scheme of things) and so the anxiety is averted.
Logically, i have responsibilities to help provide for my family and my own well being, and to top that off i'm sick and i don't want to pass what i have on to Him, or the both of them for that matter. Logically, its not healthy for me to drive all the way out there and stay up until all hours of the morning and then expect to drive home safely and wake up the next morning ready for work. It just aint gonna happen.
But in the mood i'm in, i say fuck logic and fuck my health, i'm a druggie, i need my fix, I want the growl of his voice and the soft caress of Her hands contrasting with the rough textures of His. Or just be all consumed by Him, His dominance, His voice, His commands and His toys to use on my flesh as He wishes. The thud of His flogger, the crack of the whip above my back, the sting of the cane and thump of His paddles on my ass. The pain and the pleasure intertwining and sending me into the aether of subspace and beyond.
Thusly this need is sending the more visceral part of my brain into panic/obsessive anxiety attack overdrive, completely ignoring the logic of the fact that i am sick and not able to perform to His standards that he has taught me. Of course Master is trying to gently talk/text some sense back into me, and bring me down from the anxiety attack... which is working, but i feel like i'm letting Him down by not being there to service Him as He has taught me and as He expects me. I know my Lady can do that as well, but i still feel like i'm failing him somehow.
I know i will more than make it up to Him next week once i'm better and properly medicated, but dammit if even THAT logic doesnt sway my brain to calm down.
*mutters and grumbles* Don't mind me. Guess i'll just have to satisfy myself with talking to Him on the phone tonight, then maybe talknig to Her as well
No comments:
Post a Comment