Finally, A Light In The Darkness

Finally there is a light in the darkness that has been my world
I have cried, screamed, sobbed, shivered, and raged and everything in-between for the past two weeks, thoughts of "what if?" and regrets running through my head at every opportunity.

When Xel and I first split, I went home and let loose the guttural wails and screams and cries, physical indications of a large piece of my heart, soul, and mind dying away slowly and painfully. My mother and sister comforted me that night, staying close to me until I calmed and drifted towards a dreamless sleep. For the next two weeks I worked in a fog, falling prey to moments of pure pain, holding sobs back behind my fist, my eyes screwed shut, though the tears came anyway. Most did not mention anything to me; even though I have a feeling many saw the change in me. It was a roller coaster for what felt like ever, ups and downs and then… the rage set in.

The fiery rage, just anger in general, burned in me for one day last week, broken only by fits of sorrow. I was lucky those two weeks that the non entity did not instigate anything, because I know for certain that I would have lost what little control I had left.

I worked hard this past weekend, 11-8 both Saturday and Sunday, and Woke up Monday calmer than I had been for days. Tuesday was a better day, and as I had told my therapist, I was feeling more centered and calm.

This does NOT implicate in any way shape or form that I am ready to start dating again, VERY far from it, because though I may be calm now, for all I know tomorrow will be another low day, filled with tears and despair for a true love now lost to me. But each day I feel myself grow a little bit stronger. And maybe one day I will be able to bring myself to look at the pictures of us together without crying, and only smile fondly at the wonderful memories we made together. But until that day, the scrapbook will stay closed, the photos will remain unseen by my eyes, and I will become happy again.

Perhaps not as happy as I was in his arms,
but happy enough that I will be able to move on properly.

My Master Is Very Sweet To Me

So I went to be with my Master last night, and I had to wait for Him because He was working on a troublesome car that dint want to behave properly. So i waited patiently, finishing my book that I had in my purse, my hand idlely playing with the tag on my collar.

Yes i was a cheeky little miss and wore my collar into his work, tag and all.  Wanted to please Him as well as see what kind of reactions that i might elicit at wearing such a thing in a public 'vanilla' venue.  Reactions were nil but I know that He was pleased with me for wearing it.

I followed him back to his place, going ahead since he needed to get gas, saying hello to his room mate and playing with his pug for a while while the demon she-bitch dog growled and barked at me. I went to His room and play with His cat as we waited for him.  I probably should have gotten presentable for him, but i was distracted with his kitty.

When He got home and into his room i sat like a good little girl and waited for him to tell me what He wanted me to do. We kissed and i played with His cock, rubbing it and caressing it, pressing my fingers into the bundle of nerves just at the base.  He drew me to him by my collar, my tag jingling in the metal ring.  One hand played down my back to my skirt, lifting it and caressing the flesh of my ass, a finger slipping under my grey cotton thong to play at my tight ass hole.  Almost instantly I relaxed and let him explore, having him never really play with my anus alone before. It was interesting, kissing him and having his finger play with my tight little ass hole.

Slowly I relaxed, and he was able to fit his fingertip into my anus and gently finger me there, letting me get used to the idea. As my passions rose, so did the tempo of his fingering. I was on a haze of feeling as he teased me allowing the sensation to be introduced to me as slowly as i would allow.  Soon I was gasping softly against his mouth, small waves of feeling rising up and crashing down over me. After a few more moments he rose up and made me suck him, teasing me and testing my remembrance of what he liked (lips, kisses, licks and sucking of his cock, in that order). Even better I can take more into my mouth, and let his head rest just before the entrance to my throat before i feel the gag reflex kick in. He was very pleased with that.

I suckled him close to cumming as well but I stopped just before, because he forced me back, ordering me to stand up and take off my thong and lifted my skirt even as he ripped my black sweater from my shoulders.  He pushed me down on the bed, my skirt lifted and my sex exposed. With a snarl he took me fast and hard, his growls and grunts thrilling me as his long hair fell around us.  Was a quick encounter, but enough to sate us for now, and after he had rolled off of me, I sat up and removed my dress and bra, gently caressing his bare skin and rubbing his hands and forearms at his request.

Though there was one moment when my thoughts turned from my Master to Xel, and slowly i feel into despair and my arms went around me, my head dipping into my shoulder and the shuddering sobs and tears flowed.  With a soothing tone my Master took me into his arms and caressed my back and my hair, kissing my eyes and my forehead, whispering soothing words as my back bowed whenever i suppressed a particularly hard sob.  I told him of my fears and regrets, and he soothed them with gentle words, kisses and caresses.

I wont tell all of the conversation, just sufficed to say that he calmed me enough to be coherent again and able to function.

He also rubbed my back a bit and did some cupping on my back while we watched TV.  finally it was time for me to leave, though i still wanted cuddles and snuggles from him, just for comfort and security.

I still have my doubts about myself , still have the regrets.  but with my Master by my side, both as my Master and my friend, as well as the rest of my friends and family, I will eventually get through this.

Please Someone Save Me

I have lost the one that I hoped would return to me. Gods above help me through this pain as my chalice turns to dust and my heart breaks and bleeds from millions upon millions of cracks.

 

If that were true then why the FUCK am i sitting her suppressing wails and screams of despair !?

FUCKING EXPLAIN THAT TO ME GODDAMNIT!

The Chalice Is Shattered

This past weekend sucked. My chalice has shattered, and now I alone am forced to pick up the pieces and try to fit it back together again.





Xel and I are no more, and the pain of it has me in tears or wanting to cry constantly. even as i sit here hunched over my desk, furtively wiping away tears that leak from my eyes. I try to wear my mask, but most people see past it. Maybe its my weak tone, or the sadness in my eyes, or the defeat in my face, but they see it. Some ask me about it, other leave me alone. I have been offered support from quite a few people here at the office, even gotten hugs as well as scritches from some of them.

Last night my howls and screams of grief brought my mother and my sister into my room, my mother caressing my back and my sister petting my head, not saying a word, offering me the silent comfort that i need. I had held it in as best I could all afternoon/evening, but i began to break as I said goodbye to him, the tears streaming down my face as I kissed him desperately, wanting to prolong the inevitable. I didn't want him to let go, didn't want to lose the feeling of his arms around me, his mouth, his body, the hollow of his shoulder where my head fit perfectly. And yet as he drove away, my heart broke even more.

I retreated to the bathroom, because I needed to shower and hide from the questions my mother was asking me. It was there when i started to break, my shoulders heaving with suppressed sobs as the tears rolling down my cheeks mingled with the water on my face. After my shower i was able to hold it together for a little bit, logging onto AIM so that Xel and i could talk after her got him, since we still want to talk to each other. When he did get on, we chatted and talked a bit, then after he said something the floodgates opened up, as well as my lungs. I let loose, my cries resounding in my room, wails and screams reverberating off my walls and filtering through my closed door, no doubt.




After I had calmed and snuggled my wolf plushie under my flannel blanket, my mother and sister told me good night and I fell asleep, waking up at about 1 am, before going back to sleep and tossing and turning through turbulent dreams that i upon waking i couldn't remember. I ache inside, feel so hollow, and yet i cant stop crying, cant stop thinking about him, his face, his touch, his kiss...

I have to suppress everything while i'm at work, but all i want to do is go home and curl up under my covers with my wolf and cry until i fall asleep. I hurt so badly, I just want to scream and wail and dry until my voice is gone and there is nothing left. but even though there is nothing left, the memory of him will still be with me.

Xel, My love my light, my everything....



And I will NEVER forget what we had together, and I will be here when you need me.

This Past Kink-ish Weekend With My Man (NSFW PHOTOS)

So this past weekend my BF and I took a mini vacation 'away from it all' even though we stayed in the Boca area.  I ended up giving in to my urge to get the heck out of the office early, so at five o'clock i busted my ass out of the office, my excitement mounting as I got to my car and drove to pick up my BF.

Of course the smart ass had to "punish" me for leaving work early, so we went down Powerline Rd to browse the Adult Warehouse.  It was fun looking at some of novelty things, as well as the kinky items.  Eventually he bought a Japanese Silk Rope 'kit' of sorts and then we headed to dinner as we both were pretty hungry.

We hit up a great restaurant called Stir Crazy, and sat and ate there, being like the silly love birds that we are.  There was some serious discussion mixed in as well, but for the most part it was a quiet dinner together.

Finally we headed to the hotel.  It was a beautiful room, with a king sized bed, that was so fluffy and soft and warm.

(image taken from Renaissance Marriott Boca Website)

We settled in, and the Dominant side of my man came out.  He ordered me around, used me and 'abused' me so wonderfully. He fucked me, spanked me, made me cum again and again.  The dark passion and power in his face and eyes was enthralling and arousing.  I am easily affected by that expression, and I am eager to kneel at his feet to be privileged to see that look.

Afterwards he switch roles and put on his collar like a good puppy and i lead him to the couch and made him lick me till i came twice all over his face.  Being the good mistress that I am I cleaned up his face with a cool cloth and lead him back to the bed to give him his reward, which he thoroughly enjoyed as he likes having his cock sucked and blown almost as much as i love doing it.

Then there was the 'challenge' of sorts that I issued him.  He knows i have a inner wolf, and i wanted to find his beast.  God was that a thrilling bout of wrestling and grappling.  One part that I remember was that in an act of defiance i actually spit in his face.  The black cloud that went over his face was insane, and with a snarl he spit on my face and rubbed it all over so that my skin was covered in his spit.  It was thrilling, dont know why i liked it but i did.  Granted i wont do it every time, but in that moment it seemed to do the trick.

Everything was going fine until my wolf left me.  I was bent over onto the bed, his hand was in my hair and the other was binding my wrists behind my back.  Maybe it was him constantly shoving my face into the mattress that did it, or something else but she left me and didn't give me time to recover and suddenly i crashed. I slipped to the floor shaking and crying, the feeling of loss and emptiness filling my mind.  I couldn't feel my wolf at all and that scared me as well.

As a result my BF and I ended up cuddling on the bed, myself curled up in a ball and him spooning behind me, kissing and nuzzling my neck and back.  We talked and snuggled some more.  After a while we made love, and the passion and desire was in his eyes again.

Then the fun stuff was the next night.  He put pillows on the couch and bent me over the pillows, taking me from behind and making me squirt and cum over and over again, just the way I like.

Afterwards he spanked me and took pictures of me hanging out and recovering from the pounding that I got.

Needless to say they will have to get that couch professionally cleaned. =)

Such a good spanking.  I was sore for a few days after that. Had to sit on my thighs so that my ass wouldnt hurt.

Oh well, was a great weekend, and I cant wait to spend another with him.

Anal Play (backdated from Aug 2, 2009

So Jose and I have agreed to start a little more anal play into our kink.

He being the less inhibited one, has already started playing with the small vibe that we got with a previous purchase from Adam & Eve and he enjoys it, but wants a stronger vibration.

I on the other hand have not had ANY anal play at all except for a few minutes of prodding, but no other stimulation so that may be part of the reason why i wasn't to turned on, but we hope that perhaps a new toy may add a little more fun into it, as well as integrating some other stimulation from Jose.

So My Mother Figured It Out

Or at least part of it.  Came up when she asked me about a post regarding a fetish party this coming Saturday on FB, and in regards to my profile picture on the same site.

So between that and wearing my collar, she put a few small details together and asked me about it through FBchat.  i told her that this was the lifestyle that i chose to live and that although she does not understand it.. she has toaccept it. she doesnt understand the ramifications.. i told her that yes this is where my "master" comes into play but all that she needs to know he is teaching me what i want to learn and is also a great guy to hang out with and that is all she needs to know.

Though I have given her the choice/option to learn more and try to understand.

"Mom,

I know that the small discussion that we had this morning will and probably is worrying you, but let me assure you that what I have chosen to do is of my own volition, and J is into it with me and we support each other.  He and I are in this exploration together, and we are both seeking mentors that will help teach us what we need to know. I am not asking you to fully understand why I’m doing this; all I ask is that you accept me for who I have become.

The people in the lifestyle are as ‘normal’ as you, and how those in the BDSM lifestyle live IS considered ‘normal’ to them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM

The above link is something that I would advise you to read, just so that you can understand the general dynamic of it.  I do what I do by my own free choice and free will. You don’t have to read it, but I hope that you do just to maybe understand a little bit more, and accept me for who I am.

I’m still your daughter Mom; I’m still me, that hasn’t changed in any way.  Just the dynamics of how I live my life and have a social life have changed a little. 

I understand that you don’t want talk about it in the house, and I promise you I won’t.

If you want to talk about it, we can, if not, I understand as well.

Love You Mom,

Me"

Some of my readers may not agree with how i worded it, or how i opened the discussion field, but it is how it is.

At least now she wont be sitting home and wondering what i'm getting myself into. I know i'm in a safe environment, so that is all that matters to me.

Three Mind Blowing Rounds

Two words... HOLY FUCK.... *drools*

Ehehe, if that doesnt explain how I felt, NOTHING will.

(IDK honestly, just felt like it *shrug*)

Okay so I get my package yesterday with my collar and my leash (insert stupid grin here) and I instantly tell Master via text that it had arrived; even though I knew he wouldn't be able to respond back to me he'd know that I had it. It smelled so good, since it was from Leather Etc. and I LOVE the scent of real leather. I got SO impatient after that, just wanted to get out of work and go to my Master and show off my pretty collar and leash to Him.

Although I think that may have been a bad idea to tell Him because as soon as He got online he started telling me how crazy horny He was and how much He wanted me at His place NOW... not after work, He wanted me NOW. Ehehe.... which was pretty satisfying knowing that I caused that intense want (I have low self esteem), so I just kept teasing him. Told Him that I would be nice and try to get out early, and I did, sort of.

Went straight to his place, or at least tried to before getting horribly lost, but He came to fetch me and showed me where to go. I always need a few tries to get to where I need to go (and no the pun was not intended). But anyways, we got there and went up to His room after He had gotten a drink and it was all crazy from there.

I showed him the 'trick' that I love to do with soft cocks. I sucked His soft cock hard, just so that He could feel my whole mouth on him. He's going to try to teach me to deep throat, since its something that I want to do for my man, but my man is much thicker than Master is. Hopefully He will be able to teach me what I need to learn. I'm such an eager cock slut that it's not funny.

But that's not the best part, or in this case, best parts!

He blindfolded me, bound my wrists behind my back, and made me follow Him around his room with His cock in my mouth, tugging on my leash if I didn't keep up. I only 'lost' it once, which probably cant be said for most who first expreience having to be on one's knees, with their Master/Mistress's cock in one's mouth and then follow them around the room until He/She says 'Enough'.

By that time my shirt had come off, and I was just in my bra and short pencil skirt and heels. He stands me up... bends me over the bed, lifts my skirt up over my ass, tugs my lavender boy short undies down to my knees and goes in, hard, fast and deep. His hands pulled at the wrist cuffs, and he just took me for all I was worth. I was screaming and cumming and screaming all over again. There was a few times when He pulled my hands to His body, and to just expel and show Master how good I felt, I scratched and dug my nails into his stomach (or at least as best as I could while in wrist cuffs). It was even easier when He lay atop me and slammed into me, my nails just automatically dug in and held on. By that time He and I were both crazed, growled profanities and 'insults' from Him, screams, moans, cries and growls from me.

The second 'round' began with Him teasing me, fingering me and rubbing my G-spot until I came, and came, and came. I hadn't cum that hard in a long time, just the force of the orgasm and the amount of girl cum that squirted out of me was mind blowing; and left me dry mouthed. He had me ride him, front and reverse cowgirl; the reverse cowgirl so that he could deliver stinging blows to my ass cheeks.

But the third time was the BEST by far.

Consider the above image, minus the third male in the background. Now flip the chick on her back, close her legs with him still in her and then have him go at it. HOLY FUCKING GOD IN HEAVEN! You want to talk about something crazy and new to me? That was it. To have His cock in me like that, just pounding away and have what was NOT in my body rubbing against my clit, I couldn't think past "oh my effing jesus this is amazing!'' , and then even after that I could barely talk/think past the fuzz in my head. Just laid there, panting next to Master, barely able to move. Was VERY close to falling asleep right then and there. But I didn't. Instead Master was the one who got the relaxing aftercare massage, and he was so relaxed/tired/worn out from all the play that he fell asleep.

But I woke him and we showered, with me helping him wash his LOOONG hair, as well as brushing it and pulling it back. We looked at a few pics to see what he wanted to have printed and sent to one of his friends, then I had to go back home because it was uber later than when i should have left.

It's So Pretty!

It looks so small and innocent doesn't it?  A plain white box, fits easily on my lap, signed for it with a smile to my UPS delivery guy and after logging it into the received packages log i have here at work, I eagerly set to work opening it up and inspecting its contents.

I smiled with glee when I saw it, so shiny and pretty like.  Smelling of leather and fun, thrilling me to the core.  I cant wait to put it on and let my Master use me and control me (or at least try to) while i wear it.  He told me that He wants me to wear it when i arrive at His places today, so along with the make-up that I'm going to put on, that will be the one main accessory.

He wants to take pictures of me, and have me take some pictures of Him as well, though the ones that I can use will all depend on what He says that I can post, though i will deffo keep the lot of them for my personal pleasure/portfolio.  Maybe I can have fun being a fetish model, though i'm not the ideal form of a model.

I'm too short and sure as hell too heavy for 'normal' modeling, so I'll probably be sub-par for fetish modeling as well.

Oh well, will post pics once Master sends them my way.

Excited For Tomorrow

Well I'm excited for a few reasons tonight, tomorrow I get my collar and leash, and tomorrow Master will be taking pretty photos of me and my collar.

I've gotten a few ideas from him as well as my own so I'll have plenty to share with my lovely readers once the time is right.  I've put Photoshop CS2 on my computer, so I can play with the photos at will and make them even better.I've got a few ideas, but it depends on the content of the photos what I may or may not do.

Master told me that He doesn't really like photo enhancements but I will send the photos to Him first to see what He thinks.



*wiggles* So excited, watch this spot for more fun stuff