Conflicted Thoughts...

I'm suddenly feeling so conflicted about everything that has happened, that I have experienced this past week or so.  There is suddenly a rage burning in my mind, filled with hate and anger.  Thoughts, doubts and fears swirling in my mind like leaves caught in a small "tornado". 

A player, heart breaker, more words, more doubts and conflict in my mind.   Am I being played like a well tuned toy?  The weakened heart and sacral chakras being manipulated, used, and fed from?  The energy of him and the group modified to make me feel comfortable and at home so that when I least expect it I get turned upon and hurt... again.

The rage does not focus on him and the events of this past week, at least, I don't think so.  It's been sitting there, manifesting itself in my dreams.  The anger and the hate towards  someone or something... which it is I'm not sure.

Could he have changed since the last time the people who have warned me against him/them interacted?  Could those rumors be just that, rumors and half truths told because of a personal negative experience clouding the judgement of those that I speak with?

One cannot change another, the other needs to WANT to change for themselves, and the betterment of themselves.  I cannot take and believe words, that has got me hurt more than once in the past.  I must make sure that the words match up with the actions, for actions speak louder than any words.

I'm tormented by the whirling thoughts in my head. The doubts at war with my hopes; back and forth, around and around in my head.  I sit here holding my head in my hands, afraid that if i do let go my head will explode and shatter and scatter to the winds.

I need the beach tonight, and the full moon.  I need the calm and the peace that the combination brings to me, so that i can ponder with a clear head, if not just sit and write until it is too dark to see.  

The raging dreams haunt me... Two nights ago dreaming that i was telling my father off about a text i had sent him.  Which he come to find out has deluded himself into thinking that my mother sanctioned the phrasing and the sending of that specific text.  And the night before last i dreampt i was so angry i wanted to physically hurt someone.  Hissing words and searing rage vibrating every sinew in my dreaming mind wanting to lash out and hurt/maim/destroy.

I just wish i knew what was going on up there...