The Chalice Is Shattered

This past weekend sucked. My chalice has shattered, and now I alone am forced to pick up the pieces and try to fit it back together again.





Xel and I are no more, and the pain of it has me in tears or wanting to cry constantly. even as i sit here hunched over my desk, furtively wiping away tears that leak from my eyes. I try to wear my mask, but most people see past it. Maybe its my weak tone, or the sadness in my eyes, or the defeat in my face, but they see it. Some ask me about it, other leave me alone. I have been offered support from quite a few people here at the office, even gotten hugs as well as scritches from some of them.

Last night my howls and screams of grief brought my mother and my sister into my room, my mother caressing my back and my sister petting my head, not saying a word, offering me the silent comfort that i need. I had held it in as best I could all afternoon/evening, but i began to break as I said goodbye to him, the tears streaming down my face as I kissed him desperately, wanting to prolong the inevitable. I didn't want him to let go, didn't want to lose the feeling of his arms around me, his mouth, his body, the hollow of his shoulder where my head fit perfectly. And yet as he drove away, my heart broke even more.

I retreated to the bathroom, because I needed to shower and hide from the questions my mother was asking me. It was there when i started to break, my shoulders heaving with suppressed sobs as the tears rolling down my cheeks mingled with the water on my face. After my shower i was able to hold it together for a little bit, logging onto AIM so that Xel and i could talk after her got him, since we still want to talk to each other. When he did get on, we chatted and talked a bit, then after he said something the floodgates opened up, as well as my lungs. I let loose, my cries resounding in my room, wails and screams reverberating off my walls and filtering through my closed door, no doubt.




After I had calmed and snuggled my wolf plushie under my flannel blanket, my mother and sister told me good night and I fell asleep, waking up at about 1 am, before going back to sleep and tossing and turning through turbulent dreams that i upon waking i couldn't remember. I ache inside, feel so hollow, and yet i cant stop crying, cant stop thinking about him, his face, his touch, his kiss...

I have to suppress everything while i'm at work, but all i want to do is go home and curl up under my covers with my wolf and cry until i fall asleep. I hurt so badly, I just want to scream and wail and dry until my voice is gone and there is nothing left. but even though there is nothing left, the memory of him will still be with me.

Xel, My love my light, my everything....



And I will NEVER forget what we had together, and I will be here when you need me.

This Past Kink-ish Weekend With My Man (NSFW PHOTOS)

So this past weekend my BF and I took a mini vacation 'away from it all' even though we stayed in the Boca area.  I ended up giving in to my urge to get the heck out of the office early, so at five o'clock i busted my ass out of the office, my excitement mounting as I got to my car and drove to pick up my BF.

Of course the smart ass had to "punish" me for leaving work early, so we went down Powerline Rd to browse the Adult Warehouse.  It was fun looking at some of novelty things, as well as the kinky items.  Eventually he bought a Japanese Silk Rope 'kit' of sorts and then we headed to dinner as we both were pretty hungry.

We hit up a great restaurant called Stir Crazy, and sat and ate there, being like the silly love birds that we are.  There was some serious discussion mixed in as well, but for the most part it was a quiet dinner together.

Finally we headed to the hotel.  It was a beautiful room, with a king sized bed, that was so fluffy and soft and warm.

(image taken from Renaissance Marriott Boca Website)

We settled in, and the Dominant side of my man came out.  He ordered me around, used me and 'abused' me so wonderfully. He fucked me, spanked me, made me cum again and again.  The dark passion and power in his face and eyes was enthralling and arousing.  I am easily affected by that expression, and I am eager to kneel at his feet to be privileged to see that look.

Afterwards he switch roles and put on his collar like a good puppy and i lead him to the couch and made him lick me till i came twice all over his face.  Being the good mistress that I am I cleaned up his face with a cool cloth and lead him back to the bed to give him his reward, which he thoroughly enjoyed as he likes having his cock sucked and blown almost as much as i love doing it.

Then there was the 'challenge' of sorts that I issued him.  He knows i have a inner wolf, and i wanted to find his beast.  God was that a thrilling bout of wrestling and grappling.  One part that I remember was that in an act of defiance i actually spit in his face.  The black cloud that went over his face was insane, and with a snarl he spit on my face and rubbed it all over so that my skin was covered in his spit.  It was thrilling, dont know why i liked it but i did.  Granted i wont do it every time, but in that moment it seemed to do the trick.

Everything was going fine until my wolf left me.  I was bent over onto the bed, his hand was in my hair and the other was binding my wrists behind my back.  Maybe it was him constantly shoving my face into the mattress that did it, or something else but she left me and didn't give me time to recover and suddenly i crashed. I slipped to the floor shaking and crying, the feeling of loss and emptiness filling my mind.  I couldn't feel my wolf at all and that scared me as well.

As a result my BF and I ended up cuddling on the bed, myself curled up in a ball and him spooning behind me, kissing and nuzzling my neck and back.  We talked and snuggled some more.  After a while we made love, and the passion and desire was in his eyes again.

Then the fun stuff was the next night.  He put pillows on the couch and bent me over the pillows, taking me from behind and making me squirt and cum over and over again, just the way I like.

Afterwards he spanked me and took pictures of me hanging out and recovering from the pounding that I got.

Needless to say they will have to get that couch professionally cleaned. =)

Such a good spanking.  I was sore for a few days after that. Had to sit on my thighs so that my ass wouldnt hurt.

Oh well, was a great weekend, and I cant wait to spend another with him.

Anal Play (backdated from Aug 2, 2009

So Jose and I have agreed to start a little more anal play into our kink.

He being the less inhibited one, has already started playing with the small vibe that we got with a previous purchase from Adam & Eve and he enjoys it, but wants a stronger vibration.

I on the other hand have not had ANY anal play at all except for a few minutes of prodding, but no other stimulation so that may be part of the reason why i wasn't to turned on, but we hope that perhaps a new toy may add a little more fun into it, as well as integrating some other stimulation from Jose.

So My Mother Figured It Out

Or at least part of it.  Came up when she asked me about a post regarding a fetish party this coming Saturday on FB, and in regards to my profile picture on the same site.

So between that and wearing my collar, she put a few small details together and asked me about it through FBchat.  i told her that this was the lifestyle that i chose to live and that although she does not understand it.. she has toaccept it. she doesnt understand the ramifications.. i told her that yes this is where my "master" comes into play but all that she needs to know he is teaching me what i want to learn and is also a great guy to hang out with and that is all she needs to know.

Though I have given her the choice/option to learn more and try to understand.

"Mom,

I know that the small discussion that we had this morning will and probably is worrying you, but let me assure you that what I have chosen to do is of my own volition, and J is into it with me and we support each other.  He and I are in this exploration together, and we are both seeking mentors that will help teach us what we need to know. I am not asking you to fully understand why I’m doing this; all I ask is that you accept me for who I have become.

The people in the lifestyle are as ‘normal’ as you, and how those in the BDSM lifestyle live IS considered ‘normal’ to them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM

The above link is something that I would advise you to read, just so that you can understand the general dynamic of it.  I do what I do by my own free choice and free will. You don’t have to read it, but I hope that you do just to maybe understand a little bit more, and accept me for who I am.

I’m still your daughter Mom; I’m still me, that hasn’t changed in any way.  Just the dynamics of how I live my life and have a social life have changed a little. 

I understand that you don’t want talk about it in the house, and I promise you I won’t.

If you want to talk about it, we can, if not, I understand as well.

Love You Mom,

Me"

Some of my readers may not agree with how i worded it, or how i opened the discussion field, but it is how it is.

At least now she wont be sitting home and wondering what i'm getting myself into. I know i'm in a safe environment, so that is all that matters to me.

Three Mind Blowing Rounds

Two words... HOLY FUCK.... *drools*

Ehehe, if that doesnt explain how I felt, NOTHING will.

(IDK honestly, just felt like it *shrug*)

Okay so I get my package yesterday with my collar and my leash (insert stupid grin here) and I instantly tell Master via text that it had arrived; even though I knew he wouldn't be able to respond back to me he'd know that I had it. It smelled so good, since it was from Leather Etc. and I LOVE the scent of real leather. I got SO impatient after that, just wanted to get out of work and go to my Master and show off my pretty collar and leash to Him.

Although I think that may have been a bad idea to tell Him because as soon as He got online he started telling me how crazy horny He was and how much He wanted me at His place NOW... not after work, He wanted me NOW. Ehehe.... which was pretty satisfying knowing that I caused that intense want (I have low self esteem), so I just kept teasing him. Told Him that I would be nice and try to get out early, and I did, sort of.

Went straight to his place, or at least tried to before getting horribly lost, but He came to fetch me and showed me where to go. I always need a few tries to get to where I need to go (and no the pun was not intended). But anyways, we got there and went up to His room after He had gotten a drink and it was all crazy from there.

I showed him the 'trick' that I love to do with soft cocks. I sucked His soft cock hard, just so that He could feel my whole mouth on him. He's going to try to teach me to deep throat, since its something that I want to do for my man, but my man is much thicker than Master is. Hopefully He will be able to teach me what I need to learn. I'm such an eager cock slut that it's not funny.

But that's not the best part, or in this case, best parts!

He blindfolded me, bound my wrists behind my back, and made me follow Him around his room with His cock in my mouth, tugging on my leash if I didn't keep up. I only 'lost' it once, which probably cant be said for most who first expreience having to be on one's knees, with their Master/Mistress's cock in one's mouth and then follow them around the room until He/She says 'Enough'.

By that time my shirt had come off, and I was just in my bra and short pencil skirt and heels. He stands me up... bends me over the bed, lifts my skirt up over my ass, tugs my lavender boy short undies down to my knees and goes in, hard, fast and deep. His hands pulled at the wrist cuffs, and he just took me for all I was worth. I was screaming and cumming and screaming all over again. There was a few times when He pulled my hands to His body, and to just expel and show Master how good I felt, I scratched and dug my nails into his stomach (or at least as best as I could while in wrist cuffs). It was even easier when He lay atop me and slammed into me, my nails just automatically dug in and held on. By that time He and I were both crazed, growled profanities and 'insults' from Him, screams, moans, cries and growls from me.

The second 'round' began with Him teasing me, fingering me and rubbing my G-spot until I came, and came, and came. I hadn't cum that hard in a long time, just the force of the orgasm and the amount of girl cum that squirted out of me was mind blowing; and left me dry mouthed. He had me ride him, front and reverse cowgirl; the reverse cowgirl so that he could deliver stinging blows to my ass cheeks.

But the third time was the BEST by far.

Consider the above image, minus the third male in the background. Now flip the chick on her back, close her legs with him still in her and then have him go at it. HOLY FUCKING GOD IN HEAVEN! You want to talk about something crazy and new to me? That was it. To have His cock in me like that, just pounding away and have what was NOT in my body rubbing against my clit, I couldn't think past "oh my effing jesus this is amazing!'' , and then even after that I could barely talk/think past the fuzz in my head. Just laid there, panting next to Master, barely able to move. Was VERY close to falling asleep right then and there. But I didn't. Instead Master was the one who got the relaxing aftercare massage, and he was so relaxed/tired/worn out from all the play that he fell asleep.

But I woke him and we showered, with me helping him wash his LOOONG hair, as well as brushing it and pulling it back. We looked at a few pics to see what he wanted to have printed and sent to one of his friends, then I had to go back home because it was uber later than when i should have left.

It's So Pretty!

It looks so small and innocent doesn't it?  A plain white box, fits easily on my lap, signed for it with a smile to my UPS delivery guy and after logging it into the received packages log i have here at work, I eagerly set to work opening it up and inspecting its contents.

I smiled with glee when I saw it, so shiny and pretty like.  Smelling of leather and fun, thrilling me to the core.  I cant wait to put it on and let my Master use me and control me (or at least try to) while i wear it.  He told me that He wants me to wear it when i arrive at His places today, so along with the make-up that I'm going to put on, that will be the one main accessory.

He wants to take pictures of me, and have me take some pictures of Him as well, though the ones that I can use will all depend on what He says that I can post, though i will deffo keep the lot of them for my personal pleasure/portfolio.  Maybe I can have fun being a fetish model, though i'm not the ideal form of a model.

I'm too short and sure as hell too heavy for 'normal' modeling, so I'll probably be sub-par for fetish modeling as well.

Oh well, will post pics once Master sends them my way.

Excited For Tomorrow

Well I'm excited for a few reasons tonight, tomorrow I get my collar and leash, and tomorrow Master will be taking pretty photos of me and my collar.

I've gotten a few ideas from him as well as my own so I'll have plenty to share with my lovely readers once the time is right.  I've put Photoshop CS2 on my computer, so I can play with the photos at will and make them even better.I've got a few ideas, but it depends on the content of the photos what I may or may not do.

Master told me that He doesn't really like photo enhancements but I will send the photos to Him first to see what He thinks.



*wiggles* So excited, watch this spot for more fun stuff

My Collar

My BF and I have been talking recently about purchasing collars for the both of us to use in out playtime together.  He ended up finding one at the Fetish Factory, whereas I found the below collar on Leather Etc and really liked it.

 

I normally don't like a lot of flash and shiny, but this one caught my eye and i kept going back to it time and time again. So this is the one that i bought. The site describes it as a "Princess Collar" which is kinda cute IMO, especially because I'm anything BUT a princess! hehe

I have asked my "Master" about whether I should wear the collar when i go to play with Him and he has told me that i must wear have it on as soon as I enter His house.  Granted whether or not it will stay on while we play is debatable at the moment, though i think it just might.

I ordered a leash too that is supposed to be coming with the collar. It's a metal chain with a leather strap, good for possibly using it as a spanking device while attached to the leash. That and i like the sensation of the metal on my skin.

Both are supposed to arrive Monday, October 5th, so I will find out then, and take it home and try it on, sending photos to my Man and my "Master" to see if they approve.

My First Personal Forray Into BDSM

So last night was the very first time that I have been in a TRUE D/s situation.  There is certainly a lot that I will need to learn and that I can learn from him.


I was taught the "poses" of a submissive, or at least two of them.


The first being while in front of my 'Master' (since neither of us have figured out a 'name' to call him while we play), I had to be on my knees with my hands tucked behind my back and my head down until He says otherwise  (Which is fine by me, though I have requested that I be allowed to kneel on a pillow or folded towel next time, because I woke up this morning with major knee pain. No less I have knee problems as it is, but that is what experimenting is for). 


When He was satisfied that I knew my "place" he allowed me to look up at him, and swayed his pelvis from side to side across my face, letting me feel how hard he was and teasing me. It was then He fisted His hand in my hair, pushing me back against His bed, my throat exposed,  and told me His rules.  When I agreed to His rules, the play/training commenced.


He proceeded to ask me what I wanted and asking me how much I wanted His cock.  When I had 'begged' Him enough, He allowed me to take His pants off (though He wanted me to try to do it without my hands... -YEAH RIGHT!-) and proceeded to tease me with His cock, making me hold it on my lips but not allowing me to taste it or put it in my mouth. Though He didn't help it any when He started to pinch and twist my nipples, making me gasp softly, which caused me to open my mouth only a little bit. But i was a good "little bitch" as He called me and didn't take Him into my mouth until He told me I could.


When He did I thanked Him with a coyly dark look in my eye and started sucking on his cock. He has such a delicious curve to his cock, that was perfect for taking Him deeper into my mouth.  When He was satisfied with me He ordered me to stand up and get on the bed.  I gave a wicked grin and asked Him, "Why should I?" Mmm.... and then He stuck His cock under my lips and found my clit and with an expert hand, rubbed me to cumming.  I came at lease twice over His hand and cock, and He made me clean up His hands and cock before ordering me again onto His bed.


It was then when He taught me the second submissive posture that he preferred. Face down on His bed with my knees spread, ass in the air and my feet together, which He praised me for understanding so well. He rewarded me by licking my pussy and making me cum slightly.  He made me kneel over Him with a classic 69 position and licked me until i came all over His face, even as He pumped His dick into my mouth.  After a while He had me sit up and He made me clean His face, licks and kisses, cleaning up all of my dirty girl cum.


After that He teased me with His cock even more, making me beg over and over again for His cock, pleading with Him to just fuck me already with His cock. When I was practically crying for His cock was when He told me to go get his bag so that he could retrieve a condom (one of my rules) and told me to get in the position He liked.


From there we fucked, Him spanking my ass and biting my shoulders and neck, his finger busy playing with my asshole.  I squirted as I came again and again, and He even laid down on top of me, making His dominance even more known. Though I did plead at one moment for Him to sit up, because I was overheating a bit (which is a damned rarity for me!) and as I recovered a bit, He flipped me over and drove deeper inside of me, calling me names and grunting as I tightened my cunt around His cock.


I whispered in His ear if He wanted to cum in my nasty pussy, and He replied that He did, and proceeded to pump into me and bite me with His VERY sharp teeth on my shoulder and neck, calling me His little bitch, sluttly whore, etc. After He had cum, He pulled out and we both lay panting on His bed, basking in the afterglow of an amazing fuck as well as taking in the cool air coming from His overhead fan.


Skip over silly bits that mean nothing really, shower, talkies, blah blah blah.....


Theeen... He brings out the fun stuff.  Well before that He tells me to get back on the bed and back into position and to close my eyes.  I do, curious to see what has caused the twinkle in His eyes. I hear rather than see Him take out the flogger, and i look back at Him with a grin on my face, my ass already swaying, begging to be flogged. 


He flogs me, He canes me, and even uses a riding crop on my ass.  But one of the best moments in that first session was the aftercare.  He patted His lap as I had slid to the floor to check on my text messages, and I sat on His lap and He gave me a wonderful massage, as well as caressing my skin from my back to my front and then back again.  It was an comforting moment, and the purpose of the whole 'ritual' i suppose.  Though we never really got to complete it because I wasn't able to brush His hair like He wanted me to. But that will be saved for next time, because He and I both know that there will be a next time.


I have a lot to learn from Him, that is for sure.