Nothing To Say

It's been hard to really post because well... there isn't really much going on in my life kink wise.  I actually started talking to a member of collarme.com of all sites and so far the talking is good, but that's all it is at the moment is talk and IM's and emails back and forth.  Haven't met face to face, though both of us are interested... its just a matter of finding a happy medium and where to meet.

Just a matter of time i guess. ~le shrug~ who knows.

I've had a lot of people tell me to just stop looking, and the right person will come into my life at the right time.  But it's like telling a hamster to stop running in its wheel... really hard to do, if successful at all.  I want to stop "running", i want to let it all slow down and let Him come to me, but at the same time i don't want to wait.

One friend told me her theory of the fact that i'm trying to find someone to replace my father and fill the void he's caused in my heart and my life; maybe that's true, maybe not.. i really don't know.  All i know is that even though i should lean on my mother and sister for support and have them help me heal... how can someone who is also broken help me pick up the pieces of my shattered heart when theirs isn't mended in the first place.  We're all so stubborn, don't want to relinquish control, don't want to seem weak in front of the other.  Though i know at night, behind our respective doors, there are nights when we three cry ourselves to sleep; like i did last night.

My heart cried out to the Cosmos, breaking and screaming, pleading for someone to come and help me, to heal me.  I don't know how it needs to be done, all i know is that i just need to be whole again.

What I Wish For When I Finally See You

We've talked for so long, meeting on Fetlife through a wise-ass comment on one of your photos, mild flirting jumping back and forth between us escalating to exchanging IM handles, and chatting on there when we had the chance.  After that it moved to texts back and forth, then calls that lasted late into the night, and having my mother go crazy over the phone bill each month because I "purposefully" hogged all the shared minutes.

Over the months, our relationship grows, deepens and settles into our souls. A friendship grows, and it feels like we've known each other for years even though we are both surprised at how short of a time it really has been.  Our calls to each other are more frequent, and nearly nightly  some months.  I've shared so much of my hardships with you, blubbered through my tears, your voice calming me and settling my whirling mind.  Your "lame" jokes making me giggle and laugh, brightening my mood.

Sexually we are charged, your low voice rumbling in my ear, my eyes closed and i'm smiling and purring at your words. We exchange photos, taken to each other's tastes.

We've talked many times about one of us going to see the other, exchanging scenarios of you tracking me, and leaving little gifts for me while i'm at work or sleeping in my room. Other scenarios often are talked about only in speculation, because you don't like to be predictable, and I really don't truly know sometimes how you'll act/react.

But I just want to see you so bad, not via a phone photo, or a grainy web cam image, i want to see you in front of me in the flesh. I want to see your face break into a smile as you gaze upon me, hear your belly laugh as I squeal with excitement at the sight of you and start running.  I want to be able to be wrapped in your strong arms when i plow into you, my arms wrapping around your waist or your neck, my face buried into your chest. I need to hear your chuckle as you feel me start to shake, crying happy tears that you're finally here.  Wiping my tears away with a gentle hand, your thumb wiping my tears away as your palm caresses my cheek.

I want you to take my face in your hands and kiss me softly, tenderly, let that spark shimmer and glow inside the both of us. Want to be able to wrap my arms around your neck as you bend down and kiss my lips fully, taking what has been truly yours for so long. Smiling at my shuddering sighs and gasps and moans, my need apparent in my touch and my mouth nipping at your lower lip.  I just want to take and be taken by you.

I want to have your hands exploring every inch of me, from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, and i want to do the same to you. and after, i want to have you curled around me, protecting me, shielding me from the world. Your arm wrapped around me and your head above mine, gently kissing the top of my head as we drift to sleep.  Me holding the arm close like a favored stuffed animal, breathing in your scent as we drift to sleep.

Waking up to your kisses and caresses, smiling up at you bleary eyed and kissing you good morning, giggling as you lick my nose in reply before kissing you deeply, moaning into your mouth as you touch me.

Our parting would be bittersweet, tearful kisses exchanged (at least i will be) before i watch you walk into the airport, a whispered promise of a return visit the only thing keeping my heart from shattering.  And it will be then when i resolve to wait for your return, and welcome you back into my arms with my heart and soul singing.

I wait for you my warrior,

I pray that we will be able to see each other

face to face,

body to body,

heart to heart,

as soon as humanly possible.

Are My Expectations Too High?

I'm pretty sure that I know what I want in my "Ideal Man/Mate":

• 1. Kinky

I know i know, i can hear you say" No fucking shit sherlock."

I know that being on a kink/fetish/BDSM site that is what one would require, but at the same time, one has to understand what I'm wanting and needing. I have a small Dominant side that tends to come out from time to time (mostly with females, but with the right male it can come out as well), and I want a Dominant male, or if anything a Dom/sub switch, that will allow me to let me explore the Dominant part of my psyche. I want the peace that i experienced last month in Serving a Dom friend of mine. The Dominant that can bring that out in me, and allow me to switch is One that i would treasure.
He also needs to be a patient teacher. It takes a while for me sometimes to "get" something, and with my mental and emotional issues, it makes things a little harder. Gentle and coaxing questions and/or statements help bring things out, or allowing me to write things out (which ends up being easier) and then sharing the essay and clarifying points if need be.

• 2. Rennie/SCA Man

Its not something that ANYONE who has it in their blood will ever "grow out of". This person has been part of this life for a long time, and passionate about it. I realize that SCA is FAR from Faire (just establishing that fact before Vikingrader and Seaghdha and possibly others start hollering at me), but either or would be a massive plus.

• 3. Wolf

My wolf, my beautiful beautiful ebony furred and gilded eyed wolf also needs someone who is just as strong, if not stronger than her, to bring her in line. But this wolf also needs to know the TRUE meaning of being a wolf. Puts Pack above all else, protecting and aiding fellow pack mates as needed. Not using the claim of having a "wolf" as an excuse to excessively fuck their way through a line of females. Yeah wont fly with me.

• 4. Touch/PDA

I am a physical person, and i have an INTENSE need to be able to touch the person I am with. PDA i also have no problems with, and have no problem grabbing my S/O's ass or making an obvious/less than obvious pass at their cock. Touch is a vital part of my relationship with anyone. All of my friends who have known me long enough know that a mere "i'm behind you" isn't enough, that i have to have that connection with my words, or it'd just feel weird to me. A hug is amazingly reassuring and comforting, to both give and receive. My favorite thing to do, especially with taller males is to come up behind Him and hug Him from behind; nestling my cheek between their shoulder blades if possible.

• 5. Looks

As shallow as it may sound, i still want Him to be handsome, to my standards. And it sometimes fluctuates, but the one thing that seems to remain constant in the end is a male that is taller than i am with moving eyes, hair long enough to wrap my fingers in it or run my fingers through it.

 Granted, an awesome cock to satisfy me adds to it. ~weg~

All in all, to me it feels like I'm asking too much to find a Man/Dom/Master who retains all of these qualities. I've found men and Dominants who retain a quality here and there, but not all. I'm not very into a Poly relationship, as i am pretty monogamous in my relationships.

Might open things up if both parties were secure in the standing of the relationship... but that's long into the future.

I hope and pray that the One will come along, and know that my words are mean't for Him, to know that i am here, waiting (less than patiently) for Him to come along and nurture me and help me in the ways that only He can.

Goddess Hear My Plea...

~Rose

formspring.me

I am bored and the inbox has the hungry!! http://formspring.me/LadyAkiraRose

UUmmmm... Dear Mother Nature... FUCK YOU!

Yes You, screw You and the frost horse You rode into Florida on.  It's too BLOODY COLD for Florida and dammit i DON'T want to get sick again cuz of you getting too damned cold.


You know its cold outside when you step JUST outside your door, close it, and breathe out and see your freaking breath.  I'm sorry, just.. NO...


I want to go back home and hide in my bed under covers with a man to help keep me warm then fall asleep in the warmth of it all until its in the seventies again.  THEN i'll come out of hibernation...

Is it warm yet?

Growly and recalling Seasons Beatings Party

I HATE being so horny, and not being able to get off. Then again it doesn't help that my laptop's AC adapter is dead, and i had to buy a new one so that i can upload naughty photos on there instead of chancing it on my mother's computer downstairs.

The party last night was fantastic.  Saw a lot of old friends, made a new one in a VERY handsome switch that i met on fetlife, who loved my ass and gave me a little warm up spanking and teased my little clit until i nearly came there and then on the dance floor. But i didn't and we hung out a bit more before he had to leave.

A rennie friend bought me two drinks that were amazingly sweet and soo good, he tried to get me a third and i looked at the girl behind the bar and i was like OH no.. nooo more.. she offered me a water and i accepted that, glaring and punching my friend lightly on the shoulder, accusing him of wanting to get me in trouble. To which we both laughed at and i sipped my water. I started to get a little bored until another friend walked over and said hello, caressing my face and my neck and chest, to which i immediately reacted to by closing my eyes and reveling in the feeling. We chatted for a bit before i went inside to watch another friend do a beautiful tie on a sub and chat with another rigger. He wanted to flog someone and i agreed, knowing that he was good and told him that i didn't want that evil rubber flogger that he had since that one was TOO much sting and no thud.

He flogged me very nicely, pausing sometimes to spank me and tease my pussy, running his finger through my slit and realizing how wet i got after he flogged my pussy. So he kept doing it and flogged my chest too a bit before letting me down and giving me a hug.

Serenity was getting really tired and was in pain so i did the rounds and said goodnight to all of my friends that i could find and then we went back to their place.

Totally slept through my alarm and missed the joust meeting sunday morning, but i know Nothing will be able to fill me in on the rules or give me the paperwork from the meeting.

But jebus christ do i want to get fucked. There's this cutie in melborne whom i'd love to play with. Great body and real funny, and wolfish as well. Just want to get my hands and mouth all over him.

MMMMMMmmm....



FUCK....


This isnt helping...


Can't go to my bunk cuz i'm at work....


too far to drive...



FML....



I hope to god my AC adapter gets here soon so that i can get online on my PC at night and find some good porn or have a cam session with a friend and just FINALLY have an orgasm....

Season's Beatings - Fetish Factory - December 11th, 2010

Since I mixed this into my holiday griping 

I figured i'll write more about it here.  

Give it a little more attention.

So i'm planning on going to Fetish Factory's Seasons Beatings party with my "Sister" SerenityDreams and her BF Nezrec, and I'll be meeting a bunch of other friends there. Mistress P, Janet, Erebus, just to name a few; as well as possibly a few new friends from fetlife that have been chatting with me back and forth. What'll be even better is that there will be a handful of Rennie friends there too, which means there will be at LEAST one person there offering to buy me a drink.

Playtimes will be interesting i think, between wanting wax play with Mistress P, and playing with my little pet that will also be coming.  Mayhaps there will be others willing/wanting to play and depending on who it is, i may allow it.

I have my outfit ALL figured out too.  My black Frederick's corset, short skirt.. POSSIBLE hose... and my high heels.  Will tape my breasts just in case, and will wash and wear my skin toned g-string and shave the lady bits before hand... so baby smooth pussy can be petted and touched, maybe even tasted.... depending.

~grins wickedly~

Damned If I Do, Damned If I Dont

I mean seriously, come ON...

Ugh.

My mother is being a royal bitch about all sorts of crap today.  She's made me feel like a shitheel for possibly not being able to give her and my sister the Christmas we're used to . . . Now she's making me feel like as shitheel because i haven't given her my part of the rent in two weeks. 

Well SORRY if i'm trying to be a good sister/daughter and make sure that there are Christmas presents under the tree from me this year. I'm trying to have a priority here... and since i hate it when she fucking guilt trips me, i'm probably going to ignore it again this week. Or give her the 180 plus some extra, all depends on my paycheck this week. ~grumbles~

Sorry, just had to rant for a bit.

Carry on...

Holiday Woes

When Christmas is your family's BIGGEST holiday to celebrate together, and one person doesn't really have the money to help make it the best, it really brings you down.  Yet again, it's me this year who has a small budget for Christmas.  But it's not because of my mindless and unaware spending habits.  No this year it's because my precious car decided to shit the bed three weeks ago and its been in and out of the shop since then.

Yes that is me... I'm just about 30 lbs lighter...

So yeah, new thermostat and radiator later, it's time for me to slowly accumulate Christmas presents for my mother and sister and a friend or two who have been pretty supportive through the turmoil of dealing with my father this past year. So now I have to sloooooowly search online for gifts for my mother and sister, and my friends will be an easy find for the most part. 

And then theres the Season's Beatings Fetish Party on the eleventh that i'm going to with my "big sister" and her BF. :-D  And a few of my other friends will be there as well.

I wont be Serving that night, unless I choose to, though i think that night will be for socializing and playing catch up than serving.  Though Ms P might actually use wax on me that night, i hope; since she didn't do it last party.  He had given me a preview on my forearm last party, but i want the full experience from Her, and I know She'll take good care of me as She always does.  I hope to see a few others there from FetLife that i have conversed with in the past.  Whether i will see them or not i have no clue since the parties are normally packed.

I'll be wearing my new corset as well as a wet look skirt that is in actually the bottom half of a strappy dress that broke, so it will suit well for the party.  I hope to at least get a flogging from Ms P's friend since we got a bit distracted and I was returned to Serve Him before her friend and i had the chance to properly meet and taste of his skills.

Probably wont get a fuck that night, BUT again, i'm not looking for that. Just looking to socialize and have a good time.