I have cried, screamed, sobbed, shivered, and raged and everything in-between for the past two weeks, thoughts of "what if?" and regrets running through my head at every opportunity.
When Xel and I first split, I went home and let loose the guttural wails and screams and cries, physical indications of a large piece of my heart, soul, and mind dying away slowly and painfully. My mother and sister comforted me that night, staying close to me until I calmed and drifted towards a dreamless sleep. For the next two weeks I worked in a fog, falling prey to moments of pure pain, holding sobs back behind my fist, my eyes screwed shut, though the tears came anyway. Most did not mention anything to me; even though I have a feeling many saw the change in me. It was a roller coaster for what felt like ever, ups and downs and then… the rage set in.
The fiery rage, just anger in general, burned in me for one day last week, broken only by fits of sorrow. I was lucky those two weeks that the non entity did not instigate anything, because I know for certain that I would have lost what little control I had left.
I worked hard this past weekend, 11-8 both Saturday and Sunday, and Woke up Monday calmer than I had been for days. Tuesday was a better day, and as I had told my therapist, I was feeling more centered and calm.
This does NOT implicate in any way shape or form that I am ready to start dating again, VERY far from it, because though I may be calm now, for all I know tomorrow will be another low day, filled with tears and despair for a true love now lost to me. But each day I feel myself grow a little bit stronger. And maybe one day I will be able to bring myself to look at the pictures of us together without crying, and only smile fondly at the wonderful memories we made together. But until that day, the scrapbook will stay closed, the photos will remain unseen by my eyes, and I will become happy again.
Perhaps not as happy as I was in his arms,
but happy enough that I will be able to move on properly.
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