I Hate This...

Some say that people that you need in your life will come in when you’re not looking for it and you will find happiness.  

In the past, specifically with J, it’s been true and I’ve loved it.

Not so much this time around.
This time, i am afraid.

I’ve always been a romantic, wearing my heart on my sleeve, loving with all that I have and all that I am.  And each time I have done that for the long term, I have gotten my heart shattered, broken, and thrown to the four winds.  Which is why I’m so careful now, guarding my heart and doubting every word and compliment; because if I allowed myself to believe, I’ll allow myself to love, and I don’t think I’d be able to bear my heart being broken again.

My world was shaken when those ice blue eyes stared into mine and the cool energy played between him and I.  The fact that I didn’t need to look at or for him to know whether he was behind me or not only serves to worry and excite me at the same time.  To be able to have that kind of connection and awareness of the other so soon is overwhelming and frightening; not only for me but for him as well.

In our own respects we both feel weak, shaken to our cores at the fusion and link of our energies so soon and so strongly. We yearn for the completion of what we feel, the full union of the wolves and the start of a strong Pack.  I’ve had some people tell me that because I have been without a pack or even a pack mate for so long that I have skewered what I feel into something that is akin to what I used to have with C.

That feeling of pack, the resonate energy that links the pack together.  It is another thing that I fear, that this feeling of pack is wrong, that the energies I feel from him are manipulations by him, preying on my weakened chakras. I know that this is what all of my friends fear, at least those who possess far greater skill in what I am only just discovering, and are also aware of the status of it.

I hope to travel with my mother and my sister to Cassadaga spiritualist camp just outside of Daytona.  There I know I’ll be able to find someone to help me find my Path to heal myself, and to come to a neutral ground with my wolf; where we can come to terms with each other, and walk the Path together.

Perhaps he is not out to use me and trick me, and is truly pack, a pack mate, maybe even MY mate in this life, who knows. 

All I know is that I will not deny or turn my back on pack, even if I stand to learn a lesson from this.