My Mind Is Fucked Up

And i’m not saying that because i’m a pervert, a ‘freak’, etc.  I’m saying it because my mind has a strange way of processing and justifying certain situations.

Like last night for example.

I had a fantastic time with Master and my Lady, and was teased and tortured and bitten by them both.  But because i didnt get fucked by Master or tasted by my Lady, i felt left out and ignored, at least in that way. And today that translated into the fact that i was ignored and left out that whole night.

Like i said, fucked up.

But as i described it to another friend, it kind of felt like sub drop, but also factor in that i’m still a smidge sick, and i’m still on the last few days of my period (which reminds me.. i have to put my patch on tomorrow after a shower..).  Sorry, random i know.  Blaming the still fluctuating hormones may sound like a cop-out to most, and i can see why they would think that.

But i acknowledge that the jealousy is there… the fact that She gets to see him more often than i, but logic states that she can because she is just going to school and doesn’t work full time (damn near 24/7) like i do.  She has the ability to sleep over with him also, another thing that is impossible for me short of next month’s party which the next day is a day off for me so i’m planning on actually sleeping over with Them.

She has freedoms that i dont have, especially family wise.  My mother is aware and judges me and guilt trips me left and right about how i’ve decided to live my life, and forbids me to talk about it in the house (my house my rules *gag*). That fact alone leaves me feeling stifled and saddened. By what She has told me thus far, they acknowledge it and accept it, but have their reservations like all parents would.  Things may be different than the impression i got.. i don’t know.

So you see why i feel so conflicted, and so stressed and anxious.  I know that things will work out in the end, but this is a new and unknown Path to me, and i pray that i will be able to travel it by His side and grow both as a sub, and a young woman.